I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number “5.” It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.
Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named “The Fifth Element.” Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.
– I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
– I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
– I took a five minute shower
– I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
– I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
– I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
– I entered through the fifth admissions gate
– I bought five programs
– I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
– I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
“Well,” said Matt. “Did the horse win?”
I frowned at Matt and said, “Stupid horse came in fifth.”
Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
“That’s great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?”
“Who cares? Just get out.”
A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. “Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once.”
“Shucks,” shrugged the keeper, “They’re keeping strictly within the law, Ma’am. They’re only playing for peanuts.”
Everyone for some reason likes to act like they know more about gambling odds then someone else to prove that they are one step ahead of the other guy. Here is a great story just for those fellas.
A father with 17 race horses dies. In his will he left his 3 sons all 17 horses.
1/2 must go to my oldest son.
1/3 must go to my second son.
1/9 must go to my youngest son.
Now you try it: How many horses does each son get?
So as the 3 brothers are fighting over who gets what, because there is no way to divide up 17 racehorses. Well, a sports book director from Las Vegas, rides by on his horse and gets off and tells the boys that he can help them divide up the 17 racehorses. He then added his horse to the group, and made 18 horses.
He gave the oldest son, 9 horses for is ½.
He gave the second son, 6 horses for his 1/3.
He gave the youngest son, 2 horses for his 1/9.
And the sports book director grabbed the horse that was left over for him self and rode off into the sunset.
Of course you know, that the horse that he grabbed was stronger and smarter then the one he left behind.